Win a t-shirt signed by Barry the Blender!
Bag yourself a t-shirt of choice signed by Barry himself...
I've got 3 t-shirts to give away, so just email me your favourite N.irish themed joke - (as clean as possible)
the best 3 jokes and winners will be announced on 27th July.
All entries will be displayed here.
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Jokes so far:
Teacher asks her class to give her a sentence containing the word CONTAGIOUS ! Little Mary says, " my mum has flu and it is very contagious " ! "Very good" says the teacher, " whats your sentence Patrick " ? "The Black Plague killed thousands of people because it was contagious " ! " Excellent " says the teacher aware that little Johnny had his hand up ! She couldn't ignore him anymore and eventually asks Johnny what his sentence is ! " Our next door neighbour's painting his house with a 2 inch brush, and my dad says it will take the contagious
An Australian was in Ireland. On his way to Belfast, he stopped at a bar and asked one of the locals, "What's the quickest way to Belfast?" The Irishmen asked, "Are you walking or driving?"
The Australian replied, "I'm driving!" The Irishman said, "Aye,that'd be the quickest way!"
A guy is driving around Belfast, when he sees a sign in front of a house:
"Talking Dog For Sale."
He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard.
The guy goes into the backyard and sees a Labrador sitting there.
"You talk?" he asks.
"Yes," the Lab replies.
"So, what's the story?"
The Lab looks up and says: "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I
was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the PSNI
about my gift, and in no time at all they had me jetting from country to
country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one
figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable
spies for eight years running." "But the jetting around really tired me
out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle
down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover
security wandering near suspicious characters and listening in." "I
uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I
got married, had a load of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for
the dog.
"Ten euros," the man says.
"Ten euros? This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him so
cheap?"
"Because he's a lying whore, he never did any of that shite."
Paddy Irishman, Paddy Englishman, and Paddy Scotsman
One day, Paddy Irishman, Paddy Englishman, and Paddy Scotsman walked into a pub together. They all go to the bar to buy a pint of Guinness.
Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints and got stuck in the thick head.
Paddy Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust.
Paddy Scotsman fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened.
The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer and then started yelling: "AH YOU LITTLE THIEF! SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT!"
IAN PAISLEY IS WALKING DOWN THE SHANKLE ROAD WITH A BIKE ON HIS SHOULDER . 2 POLICE MEN DRIVING A PANDA CAR STOP HIM AND ASK WHAT YOU DOING IAN , HE REPLIES IAM HOLDING A RALEIGH
Did you hear that Michael Stone is in rehab, overcoming alcoholism... The final straw was a few years back when he ran into to Stormont shouting 'Where's ma Guinness?!'
How do you know E.T is a protestant (catholic if you're protestant)?
Cuz he looks like one
Paddy says to Murphy why do Scuba Divers fall backwards into the sea?
Murphy replies, "you silly fecker sure if they fell forwards they'd still be in the boat".
Billy the rich farmer from portadown bought a brand new Ferrari. he was driving like a madman when he went of the road and in tothe river. the he crawled out of the car and phoned his wife on the mobile telling her he crashed the new car and could she come get him. aye sure says she, and where are ye ringing from? ah fer god sake says Billy from the neck down!
The Royal Irish Rangers were on jungle patrol in Belize when they came to a crocodile-infested river which they had to cross to get back to camp. After three men had been killed trying to swim across with a rope, Sergeant O'Reilly turned to the two Belfast men in the platoon.
'I'm afraid it's going to have to be one of you two,' he said.
'That's all right, sir! said Billy. I'm sure Sammy will go.'
'I don't mind, sir! said Sammy. I'm not afraid!
So Sammy got the rope between his teeth, stripped off and dived in.
'Well, said the sergeant, 'that's the last you'll see of him.
'Not at all, sir! said Billy. 'Here's a tenner says he'll make it.'
The money changed hands, and the next thing they saw was Sammy clambering up the far bank with the rope in his teeth.
'My God! said Sergeant O'Reilly. 'How did you know he would make it?'
'It was easy, Sergeant. He's a Larne supporter, you see.'
'So?'
'Well, he's got "Larne for the Cup" tattooed on one buttock and "Larne are the next League Champions" tattooed on the other, and not even a crocodile would swallow that.'
An IRA man shows up at the pearly gates and St. Peter comes out to greet him. St. Peter takes one look and says "You can't get in here.The IRA man says "Who wants in? You've twenty minutes to get the *#!@ out!
Whats red, northern irish and hurts your teeth?
A brick.
Two Cookstown men saved up all year and went to Blackpool for a week for their holidays. They had a wild time gorging themselves on pink rock and milk stout and running around in Kiss-Me-Quick hats playing all the video machines...
Such a wild time, in fact, that by the Friday they only had a quid between them and a whole day to spend before the coach left for Belfast that night.
'I tell you what,' says one to the other, 'take the quid and go down to the shops and buy a pack of cards or something to keep us amused. It'll give us something to do.'
So his mate goes down to the shops and comes back five minutes later with a packet of Tampax.
'What the hell did you get these for?' asks the first fella.
'Well,' says his mate, 'look at the side of the packet. It says we can go swimming, or horse-riding, or play tennis...'
Paddy: 'Did you hear about the farmer that put the pound on the plate at church?'
Joe: 'No.'
Paddy: 'Neither did I.'
Did you hear the one about the Irish woodworm?
It was found dead in a brick!
Q: What were the Republicans doing while the Loyalists were building the Titanic?
A: Building an iceberg.
I was up in the Grand Opera House last night watching a play about the Irish Famine, It went something along the lines of...
Murphy: "Have you got any potatoes, Paddy?"
Paddy: "No."
The end.
What do you call a Irish Lesbian?
Gae Lic
East Belfast man gets into a taxi, taxi driver asks where to?
Man replies “Ladas drive mate”
Taxi driver says “No get in the back like everyone else!”
Two IRA men are walking along the Mourne mountains when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyesare rolled back in his head. The other man takes out his mobile phone and dials 999. He gasps to the operator: "My friend is dead! What can I do??" The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: "Just take it easy. I can help. Firstly lets make sure he's dead." There is silence, then a shot is heard. The mans voice comes back on the line. He says:"Ok, now what?"
Did you hear about the Ballymena that dropped 50p?
He bent down so quickly it hit him on the back of the head!
Three dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with very big smiles on their faces. The coroner calls the police to tell them his results after the examination.
"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure whilst making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.
"Second body: "Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whiskey. Died of alcohol Poisoning, hence the smile."
The Inspector asked, "What of the third body?"
"Ah," says the coroner, "this is the most unusual one. Paddy from Belfast 30, struck by lightning."
"Why is he smiling then?" inquires the Inspector.
"Thought he was having his picture taken."
My uncle was killed in Northern Ireland during the height of the troubles. A tree fell on the truck he was driving.
I reckon the IRA must have planted it!
A Romanian has been shot in the head in Belfast with a starting pistol.
Police say it is race related.
The police are looking for members of the "Real" IRA after the shootings in Belfast.
You know you've reached terrorist super-stardom when you start getting tribute acts.
Guy walks into a bakery in Belfast: "Is that a pavlova or a meringue?"
Bakery lady: "Naht love you were right, it's a pavlova"
2 lions escape from Belfast Zoo
Walking down Botanic, people are running mad in every direction.
One lion says to the other, Whats that about?
Lion says; Dunno, probably a bombscare.
Whoever many potatoes does it take to kill an Irish person?
None.
The Japanese have joined a team from norn iron to develop a new racing car. They are going to call it...............THE RED HONDA ULSTER!
A Fermanagh man was standing on the bridge near Kesh watching an American fishing, and he noticed that before each cast the American dipped the bait into a bottle which he kept by his side.
The local was astonished when five minutes later the American had half a dozen fine trout flapping on the shore beside him.
Intrigued, he walked down to the river's edge and asked the visitor what was the secret of his success.
'It's no secret, friend,' said the American. 'This here is a good old bottle of the finest Kentucky bourbon. The fish just go crazy for it.'
So the local rushed back to his little cottage and dug out his fishing rod from the parlour. Not having any Kentucky bourbon, however, he hoked out a bottle of poteen and decided that would do just as well.
Later that day the American was on his way back to his hotel when he met the local coming the other way with a salmon the size of a baby elephant slung over his shoulder.
'Well, friend, I see the old bourbon trick worked for you too,' said the American.
'You should try poteen instead,' said the local. 'When I got this boyo out of the water it took me five minutes to get the worm to let go of his throat.'
KILL ALL EXTREMISTS!!
A Irish man walks out of a bar... well it COULD happen.
Orange marches in Northern Ireland - what's it all about?
I'm on O2, you don't see me parading up and down the streets all day.
A guy is walking late at night through the streets of Derry/Londonderry.He hears footsteps behind him and then a voice says...
"Are you a Protestant or a Catholic?"
Thinking quickly he says,
"Neither, I'm Jewish."
The voice exclaims,
"Fuck me if I'm not the luckiest Muslim in Northern Ireland!"
A Belfast man was ashamed of his accent, and decided to go to elocution lessons in London.
Three years later he was speaking perfect BBC English, and he decided to return home and celebrate with a drink.
He caught the Shuttle to Belfast, got a taxi into the city and walked into the first establishment he came to.
'I say, old chap,' he said to the proprietor, 'perhaps you could furnish me with a large gin and tonic and one of your finest Havana cigars.'
'You're from around these parts, aren't you?' said the proprietor.
'Good grief,' said the stunned Belfast man. 'How did you know that?'
'Well, you see,' said the proprietor, 'this is a butcher's.'
A N.IRELAND FARMER HAS BEEN AWARED THE NOBEL PRIZE.
APPARENTLY HE WAS OUT STANDING IN HIS OWN FIELD.
what does a poleglass girl use as protection during sex?
-A bus shelter
what do you call a 30 year old newlodge girl?
-A granny
what do you call a tigers bay girl in a white tracksuit?
-the bride
whats the first question on a rathcool pub quiz?
-wat you looking at!
two ardoyne lads in a car with no music whos driving?
the police
whats the most confusing day on the falls road?
-fathers day
Ireland Declares War on FranceJacques Chirac, The French President, is sitting in his office when his telephone rings. "Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice said. "This is Paddy down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland. I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on you!" "Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How big is your army?" "Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is meself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the entire darts team from the pub. That makes eight!" Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in my army waiting to move on my command." "Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back." Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!" "And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Chirac asks. "Well, we have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor." Chirac sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000 tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased my army to 150,000 since we last spoke." "Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you." Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us as well!" Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to 200,000!" "Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you back." Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top o' the mornin', Mr. Chirac! I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war." "Really? I am sorry to hear that Paddy," says Chirac. "Why the sudden change of heart?" "Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of Guinness, and decided there is no freakin' way we can feed 200,000 prisoners."
A boat is ship-wrecked on a desserted island, on board there are 2 Englishmen, 2 Irish men, 2 Scots and 2 Welsh men.
A year passes.
The 2 Scots have started a distillery.
The 2 Welsh men have started a choir.
The 2 Irish men are still fighting on the beach.
The 2 Englishmen are still waiting to be formally introduced.
